you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
