I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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