I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.