he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
She bit a glass in half.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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