Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
