shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"