just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
