Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
