He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
