well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
