Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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