Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
