I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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