I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Never joke about your clitoris.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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