May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
