How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
