is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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