He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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