You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
