Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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