At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
