Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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