Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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