if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
