Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
