I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
