That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
