I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
why do cheetos always look like penises
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
