I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless