I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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