I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
