Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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