If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
operation have a gay friend backfired
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
