Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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