There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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