What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
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then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
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According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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