I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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