dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
