shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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