new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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