God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
