i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
