White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
