She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
