You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
