Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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