Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
