i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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