She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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