Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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