I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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