'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
