dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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