Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
