Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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