So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
false alarm, still single
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
