____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
