Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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