I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The best revenge is premature balding
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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